I wish I could write a compelling story about a sweet yet awkward girl on a bus, who springs revelation into the very reason I exist through a few poignant words. Maybe that will come - but not today.
I also wish I could reduce the number of 'I's in my blog - but I don't think that's going to happen today either.
You know what really cuts to the core?
When the people you love don't respect you.
I have a wonderful family, fraught with mysterious pain this past year, but apart from that are wonderful.
We clearly love each other, we don't communicate that love in a simple way, but it's there.
We want to be with each other, even though there are all these other commitments, we wish them adieu.
... STOP!!
This blog was always intended for the purposes of building up and not breaking or bringing down. It will therefore not be used to talk negatively about ones friends and family, nor talk badly about oneself out of self-pity or anger. The author, hereby, has decreed that this blog be written with the intention that if others were to read it, even though I wish they would not, they would see a transparent image of my thoughts and feelings at the present time. Although, sometimes I will become angry, this is not the medium to vent that anger, I can do that when talking alone to God. This blog therefore strives on the back end of awkward/confusing/frustrating/scary events and/or positive encounters/revelations. The only intent of a negative experience to be shared would be to reveal the positive growth from that experience. Any demeaning or self-hating comments will not be tolerated. Sign here: ____________
That ruined the flow haha. Anyways I will have to try a new tact. Thank you conscience.
I had a dream two nights ago, that my parents showed that they were disappointed in me. Kind of like they disrespected me and thought me to be a lesser man. They even called me a 'dick for 16' which is outrageous since I am 21, and if I'm a dick for 16 I must be something far far worse for 21.
I woke up weeping. I'd had a hard week, so I was already at my emotional threshold and this just threw me over the edge.
Even in my crying, I knew that my parents loved me (actually) and that they were somewhat proud of me... but to what extent I didn't know.
I've got this thing with dreams. They hold a lot of weight for me, so I replay interesting ones in my mind and try to find a hidden message.
This one however, didn't really take too much digging to see the message, yet the real hard thing was thinking of a way to respond.
And here I am, almost 2 days later, and I haven't quite responded how I would have hoped. A few things have come up in the mean time.
I have learnt that I lack courage - courageous conversation, I believe, is an important character trait to acquire in order to become a well respected teacher (one of thing big reasons I hold this view is because Chris Hall said so). Courageous conversation will also lead me to ask my parents if they are proud of me. It will also help me to ask them for serious advice on my future career endeavours and the possibility of getting married in the not too distant future. I want to even be able to discuss whether it is worth talking seriously about yet at all - this all takes courage. Courageous converstaion would also help me to be perfectly honest with Megan about my feelings, if there is anything that I am offended by, or strongly believe in. Courage would help me walk to the front of church and admit that I need prayer for physical and spiritual renewal.
Courage would help me stand firm in the faith and not waiver or compromise on my beliefs.
Sometimes when I consider courage, I start to think it's the antonym for courtesy. I've listed a whole lot of things above which I'd love to be able to do, but then... It's almost like my 'need' to please others overrules any other need I may have (this makes me very passive in nature). It's like I treat 'courtesy' as the key way in which God calls us to love Him and love one another. But it's definitely not. WOW, I just realised that.
LORD,
I told you last night that I don't want to talk to my parents, I would far rather have them read my mind and come to talk to me, apologise, and tell me how wonderful I am. But today, You have turned things around for me. I realise that things don't always fall in my lap like I hope and somethings require courage to pursue. I don't want to unnessarily create conflict Lord but I'd love to be able to confront in the hope that others would benefit and both theirs and my burdens be lifted in relationship.
Thank you Lord for answering prayer,
Amen.
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