I am poem

I Am

I am a poser
I wonder if I will find it in me to change.
I hear too much praise and
I see too many smiles from faces willing to shake my hand
 I want to find a way out, but
I am too consumed in being a poser.

I pretend that what you see is what you get with me
I feel that's not going to last forever,
I touch others lives with good will and wise words,
But I worry, that if I don't listen to myself then God couldn't possibly use me to good effect on others
 I cry and lament my inability to open up and be free
I am a poser

I understand that to love you must have faith...
I say that faith is a cruel sacrifice for love
I dream of a day when two marred beings can have an understanding
And I try, I really try to push myself to help the other reach it
I simply hope that this will have a happy ending,
Considering right now... I'm just a poser. 

Want to be productive

I'm feeling lazy and incomplete,
I feel like a failure yet I'm standing on two feet,
I slouch on the couch, I share half facts
I like competition cos I don't like to earn hard cash.
I don't like to tell a lie, just choose not to share the truth
So don't ask questions. That'll have me shaking in my boots.
I don't ask for help - get mad if you don't believe in me.
And if your short on numbers, I won't refuse your sorry plee.
I'm treading on my toes, I'm treading on my clothes,
I am a mess, I feel tired and alone.
So wake me up, get out the hose
Clear the table, and patch up my nose -
I'm out of joint need some one on one time,
Why's it get so hectic, why do I get so out of line?
Want to be a provider, Want to be productive
Want to be professional, Want to be proactive,
So use my life, Clear me out,
Cos I surrender... Yes, I surrender Lord!

I'm sick of the internet, wish that I was blind
I've got no self-control, I'm so distracted in my mind.
I've got a million problems, but I won't deal to one,
I see the big picture, but it's easy just to have fun.
I feel dumb, and I'm confused,
So many look up to me, they compliment my views.
I'm doing well for myself but I could do better,
I'm unmotivated, and because of that I'm fed up.
So wake me up, remove all my doubt,
Clear the table, speak your words through my mouth.
I'm out of joint, need some one on one time,
Why's it get so hectic, why do I get so out of line?
Want to be a provider, want to be productive,
Want to be professional, Want to be proactive.
Don't want to procrastinate, to be a protector
I will surrender, Yes, I will surrender Lord!

Wish this got the work done, or that I could sit down for this long
When my hearts heavy, Need to express myself through song,
Glorious Lord help me to enjoy the workplace,
Your space, my place,
Asleep freestyle:
I regret not calling on your name, for the fame refrain came through to me free and I'm trying flying through space is a place in case you misssed it flip that skid kid rid of you quick on the tip of existence tripped on my misfit mother coloured red ted shed my lead poison friend lend you a sheet of A4 paper it's a caper of mysterious sorts, taut on a line of fine string bringing fantasy and harmony and played me trickery wickedly firstly cursed me churchy and lurchy merchy like a switchfoot logo, fo sho, my promo backs me up. Hard luck this is wrapped up. Mucking around is the sound I cut up, so cups up.

Medicine

 Medicine to be taking 3 times a day. Bible verses start now...

O my soul, don't be discouraged. Don't be upset. Expect God to act! For I know that I shall again have plenty of reason to praise Him for all that He will do. He is my help! He is my God! Psalm 42:11.

This should help in times of trouble.

'Dick for 16' - Courage and Courtesy

I wish I could write a compelling story about a sweet yet awkward girl on a bus, who springs revelation into the very reason I exist through a few poignant words. Maybe that will come - but not today.
I also wish I could reduce the number of 'I's in my blog - but I don't think that's going to happen today either.

You know what really cuts to the core?
When the people you love don't respect you.

I have a wonderful family, fraught with mysterious pain this past year, but apart from that are wonderful.
We clearly love each other, we don't communicate that love in a simple way, but it's there.
We want to be with each other, even though there are all these other commitments, we wish them adieu.

... STOP!!
This blog was always intended for the purposes of building up and not breaking or bringing down. It will therefore not be used to talk negatively about ones friends and family, nor talk badly about oneself out of self-pity or anger. The author, hereby, has decreed that this blog be written with the intention that if others were to read it, even though I wish they would not, they would see a transparent image of my thoughts and feelings at the present time. Although, sometimes I will become angry, this is not the medium to vent that anger, I can do that when talking alone to God. This blog therefore strives on the back end of awkward/confusing/frustrating/scary events and/or positive encounters/revelations. The only intent of a negative experience to be shared would be to reveal the positive growth from that experience. Any demeaning or self-hating comments will not be tolerated. Sign here: ____________

That ruined the flow haha. Anyways I will have to try a new tact. Thank you conscience.

I had a dream two nights ago, that my parents showed that they were disappointed in me. Kind of like they disrespected me and thought me to be a lesser man. They even called me a 'dick for 16' which is outrageous since I am 21, and if I'm a dick for 16 I must be something far far worse for 21.

I woke up weeping. I'd had a hard week, so I was already at my emotional threshold and this just threw me over the edge.

Even in my crying, I knew that my parents loved me (actually) and that they were somewhat proud of me... but to what extent I didn't know.
I've got this thing with dreams. They hold a lot of weight for me, so I replay interesting ones in my mind and try to find a hidden message.
This one however, didn't really take too much digging to see the message, yet the real hard thing was thinking of a way to respond.

And here I am, almost 2 days later, and I haven't quite responded how I would have hoped. A few things have come up in the mean time.
I have learnt that I lack courage - courageous conversation, I believe, is an important character trait to acquire in order to become a well respected teacher (one of thing big reasons I hold this view is because Chris Hall said so). Courageous conversation will also lead me to ask my parents if they are proud of me. It will also help me to ask them for serious advice on my future career endeavours and the possibility of getting married in the not too distant future. I want to even be able to discuss whether it is worth talking seriously about yet at all - this all takes courage. Courageous converstaion would also help me to be perfectly honest with Megan about my feelings, if there is anything that I am offended by, or strongly believe in. Courage would help me walk to the front of church and admit that I need prayer for physical and spiritual renewal.
Courage would help me stand firm in the faith and not waiver or compromise on my beliefs.

Sometimes when I consider courage, I start to think it's the antonym for courtesy. I've listed a whole lot of things above which I'd love to be able to do, but then... It's almost like my 'need' to please others overrules any other need I may have (this makes me very passive in nature). It's like I treat 'courtesy' as the key way in which God calls us to love Him and love one another. But it's definitely not. WOW, I just realised that.

LORD,
I told you last night that I don't want to talk to my parents, I would far rather have them read my mind and come to talk to me, apologise, and tell me how wonderful I am. But today, You have turned things around for me. I realise that things don't always fall in my lap like I hope and somethings require courage to pursue. I don't want to unnessarily create conflict Lord but I'd love to be able to confront in the hope that others would benefit and both theirs and my burdens be lifted in relationship.
Thank you Lord for answering prayer,
Amen.

Soccer Temper

RrrrrEEEEEEFFFFF, He's been doing it all day REF!!!

A team mate of mine got a red card yesterday. He got overly 'passionate' and although I couldn't see a thing, apparently he gave the keeper two solid punches after his efforts in the goal box were cut short. I had no sympathy, no care for my team mate - I believe he will, along with a humiliating walk of shame, be fined maybe 50, maybe 100 dollars.
His actions could have cost us dearly.
The scores at that stage of the game (approximately 80mins) were all level,
3 - 3.

But even that thought, played little in getting me worked up, and temper filled on Saturday.
Let me explain:
This is my first season back after a couple of years break of competitive soccer.
It was my chance to get into a good team, with a few guys that I knew and maybe having the chance of getting my older brother involved too.
Turns out however, that work commitments landed on unfavourable days, deeming me absent for all trials and a relegation to the second team - which wasn't such a bad thing when I took account of the fact that I was still going to be in the same team as my brother.
The season draws near,
I get a txt from a stranger to say there was a game coming up 'this Sunday',
it was a friendly
they were oldAnd to cut a long story short, I earned an ankle injury after a shotty tackle from a heavy old man.
Now, 3 and half months later, I'm starting to get back into the game.
It was my second game back yesterday.
I was so excited, I made sure I went out and bought some new boots and shin guards.
I had invited my parents and my girlfriend along.
This was my big break.

We started warming up,
It soon became clear that I was not an opener... fair enough... If I was coach I wouldn't open with me either.
Scoring looked good immediately, 2 goals in the first ten minutes,
a voice at the back of my head - my coach
'if we're well ahead, we'll get you on there!'
I smile.
The game continues, the half draws near,
I haven't been called upon (there's been no injuries on the field obviously) and I watch as the opposition responds, 2 shots in the back of the net.

The half time whistle blows, a sweet melody to my ears,
my swan song,
team talk - didn't hear much bar this:
'OK, only changes, Ashtad your moving to left mid...................
WHAT???!!! I stand there stunned.
'Dylan'
'Yeah?'
'You'll come on in 10 minutes for about... 10 minutes'
'Yeah, OK, mean!'
Not OK, not mean, what do you mean? 10 minutes? Really? I'm fit!! ohhhh.
I look back, look Megan straight in the eyes, her response mirrors mine,
I love her.
I can't wait for 10 minutes to be over, the whistle starts us back up and Caleb's doing well, Liam gets on too and he's playing well. Ben gets injured, he hasn't been around long, but he's a GOOD player - Tom goes on to replace him, fair enough.
I warm up, I give it an excessively long time,
I'm a jumping jack rabbit,
come on already.
I'M.... ON!
Then I run up and down a bit without getting the ball.
Then... keeper has it, I call, he kicks, it comes to me, right on my foot,
I'm free to run, two men in front of me, both loosely marked,
I'm so free to run, but I've held the ball to long? surely, ahh this isn't my usual position!
Oh,
panicked. I skyed it from a long way out.
Mistake, but back in the game.
My coach is yelling at me, giving me orders and more orders,
I pay attention, do exactly what he says,
I want him to like me, want him to notice any skill,
I want to impress him.
I do all I can -
and then he sends me off.
BOOOO!
'Great game' I hear from the sideline,
it's a nice sentiment, but not what I've come for, not what I payed for, not what I came expecting.
I was a right sack of sadness after that,
here are the thoughts:
Stupid injury,
stupid brother and his coolness and his respect,
stupid boots that cost me for 10 minutes,
stupid shot at goal,
stupid amount of players in our team.
I got home and I cried, I mourned about a flipping soccer match.
It hurt to the core,
and there were several reasons.
I mourned at my own self-pity and mourned even more when I realised it.
I mourned of my jealousy towards my brother and others
I mourned of my disloyalty to the soccer team, and
I mourned of not getting any game time - I just wanted to enjoy myself.
So no wonder I didn't care about my team mates red card.

My temper wasn't outward on the field like it has been in the past,
but it was sure boiling up inside me.

Dear Lord,
yesterdays game brought out the worst in me. I was selfish and jealous and conceited. Lord, that experience was so humbling but I couldn't handle it. Lord, help me to grow up, become a mature man, teach me to be happy for those who can accomplish far more than I, even when given the same resources and time. Please stop me from playing 'what if?' and questioning your use of the past. Help me to move on and live life for now with no regrets. Use me Lord as your servant, where my focus isn't on myself but instead on You and all of those that I am serving. Let me be mercy and justice to others like you have indeed been for me. I know I need it after such a time as this.
In your Holy Name,
Amen.

Verse of the day

Matthew 28:17 (The Message)

 ^16-17Meanwhile, the eleven disciples were on their way to Galilee, headed for the mountain Jesus had set for their reunion. The moment they saw him they worshiped him. Some, though, held back, not sure about worship, about risking themselves totally. 

This verse stood out to me.

I don't think I've ever read this passage quite like this before.

In my Bible the word worship was italicized as above.

Eugene H. Peterson, the writer of The Message bible, was obviously inspired by this passage.

To him it defines the word worship.

Worship - risking ourselves totally.

What risk do I face today and tomorrow?

Nothing if I don't worship wholeheartedly I suppose.

But really what would be the risk in it?

I wonder which one of the two people I am -

The instant worshipper

or

the careful and content viewer.

This passage is also greatly proves Jesus' point from earlier.

When asked for a sign in which the people would automatically believe, Jesus said it would be a waste of time - they would still not believe.

Turns out He was right....

There He is, standing in front of them, days after his brutal death on the cross.

God is standing in front of them. 

The Lion... and the Lamb.

Yet they choose to NOT worship in fear of risking what? 

What could be worse than denying our Lord praise?

Thank you Lord for a great Easter period. 

Although my mind and heart are weak and hard, you continue to use me and even teach me.

I pray for your forgiveness and your renewed strength.

Please fill my cup as I drink of Yours.

God bless you all this Easter!

Humbled

Teaching is such a humbling experience.
So to are the disastrous effects of the latest earthquake in Christchurch.

At time like these you realise how small you are.
As my home group leader Chris repeated again recently:
'As humans, we like to think we're at the top of the food chain.
We are quite magnificently not.
We're at one level and God... He's sitting way above that.'

God is the only one who can create, and capture/ take away.

This earthquake has shook me a bit, not nearly as it has in Christchurch. But I have a weakness for being unemotional in distressful times (that goes against my personality). But the sheer closeness of this event and the repitition of it has blown me away and had me questioning.
I have fervent hope that God will work His mighty hand on that region!

Yesterday I had some girls face their whole class while I interviewed them about their Dads involvement in helping out those in Christchurch. I had an idea where I could take the discussion, but these girls were so articulate it surprised me. It inspired and encouraged me and hopefully the class. It was a humbling experience - to be honest it was supposed to be that way - but it was even more humbling than I expected.

See just like the earthquake, I'm realising with teaching that sometimes things just don't turn out the way you hoped or expected. Every day I'm faced with small challenges to get students on my side so they will concentrate, listen and learn. [SIDE NOTE: I'm a peaceful playful person, so I like making friends with charm and hoping they will take my side - but some students just don't like you, and that's fair]. Sometimes the students are better than me, and other times lessons just go miserably.

To be humbled doesn't mean to be flattened completely though does it.
Because I don't feel like that.
I just know that I am weak through these humbling experiences and God must be so much more, to never assume such weakness.
I thank God that He is so much more powerful than me and anyone.
Psalm 46:
 ¹ God is our refuge and strength,
   an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
   and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
   and the mountains quake with their surging.^[c]
 4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
   the holy place where the Most High dwells.
⁵ God is within her, she will not fall;
   God will help her at break of day.
⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
   he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
 ⁷ The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.
 ⁸ Come and see what the LORD has done,
   the desolations he has brought on the earth.
⁹ He makes wars cease
   to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
   he burns the shields^[d] with fire.
¹⁰ He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
   I will be exalted among the nations,
   I will be exalted in the earth.”
 ¹¹ The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Amen.